I never thought I'd post something like this just because someone who doesn't mean anything to me, triggered me.

I'm a highly sensitive person. No, it's not a disorder. I get attached to people (and sometimes things) too easily. I get hurt with what people say about me, no matter who they are. I overthink things and it's not healthy. Sometimes when I talk to people and they don't respond, I will run the conversation over and over again in my head and wonder what will happen if I didn't say what I say or what's going to be the result if I approached the situation differently. I'm afraid of what people will think of me or what they say about me behind my back. So most of the time I just push people away or not be friendly so that if they go away and left me, I will not get hurt and be sad.

So if you're my friend, please know that you're dear to me. An assurance from you that you love me is a really big thing for me.

Tama na, 2020!

 This year is, undeniably, the worst of them all.

I don't wanna count all the events that led me to believe this year is the worst because it's countless. The past few months was rough and it's only September.

On the other hand, I received a lot of blessings this year. If there are countless misfortunes and struggles, there are also countless blessings from above. I stopped thinking about the negative things and chose to focus my eyes on the good that's happening. This pandemic forced me to look at the reality of life (since I've been living in my own little comfort zone). But I thank the Lord for the never-ending gifts and abundance.

But of course being the human that I am and since I've been with myself alone for most of the time during lockdown, I realized a lot about life and reflect on what I've been doing for the past years. The pain this year brought us (I strongly believe it's not only me) is beyond bearing but we have to carry on not just for ourselves but also for the people who's holding on to us to be strong.

I want to say that we, all, should carry on. I've lost a family, a relative and a friend all in a span of 3 months but then again, we should keep on keeping on.

Let's face the rest of 2020 head on.

What did I get myself into? Why did I let myself fall for someone who, obviously, is not the one for me? And I even know that but here I am making a fool of myself again. I know what I deserve and after that painful and messy heartbreak I’ve been through I should know, of all people, I should know that I deserve more than this. But what I realized is this, no matter how much you’ve been hurt before and you think you’re stronger – and you are – when you love again and get hurt again (though not as tragic or as dramatic as before), it’s still damn painful and raw like the first time. But that’s how love works, eh. The more you love, the more you get hurt. I thought I’ve learned my lesson but I think I needed another good cry again.

How I Tamed My Frizzy Hair // EPSA Brazilian Blowout Review

If there's one thing I'd like to change about my physical appearance, it would be my hair (no second thoughts on that). You see, I was not blessed with a beautiful hair. It's damaged, super dry and frizzy with never-ending split-ends.

My hair started undergoing chemical treatments when I was in the 5th grade. I always save my school allowances just to have it relaxed in the salon. When I started college I opt to have it rebonded once a year and with rebond comes hair coloring. I don't know anything about hair rebonding with hair color but I thought I would look good if I have a long, straight and colored hair so I go for it not knowing that after three days my nightmare will begin. I noticed that rebonding with hair color damages my hair but that's what I chose every time I go to the salon - for three years. Now I can't go out of the house without ironing my hair because it's so dry and frizzy and unmanageable especially now that I cut it short. I also go to the salon for a rebond not once a year but twice a year now. My last hair rebond was just last December but my hair already looked like hell so I researched and watched YouTube videos on how to tame a frizzy hair and I discovered a keratin product that was a heaven sent. It's the EPSA Brazilian Blowout!

I saw it on YouTube but I don't know any physical stores that sell it so I just ordered it on Shopee. It costs P280.00 (shipping fee not included and I'm not quite sure if it's on sale at the time I purchased it). It has three (3) small bottles 120 ml each. Bottle 1 is the clarifying shampoo that you need to apply at least thrice in your hair because it is not that foamy unlike the regular shampoo that we use. Bottle 2 is the keratin treatment. Use this treatment with much care, use gloves and avoid touching your eyes. Lastly, bottle 3 is the conditioner that you will only use after three days like a normal conditioner. So basically you will only use bottles 1 and 2 for the first day and on the third day when you will rinse your hair you will use bottle 3 as your conditioner. Directions on how to use it was written at the back of each bottles.

After using it, was I happy with the result? Definitely yes, I mean the result is not perfect and I didn't really performed a miracle (it can only do so much) but after all the years of struggle with this hair I'm happy with the result this product gave me. The dryness was somewhat gone and the frizziness was still there but at least it was not as horrible as before. I've also decided to use it once a month to get rid of the frizziness and dryness completely (fingers crossed). Below is the before and after photo of my hair.

Before I applied the treatment.

After rinsing for three days.

I forgot to take a photo of what my hair looked like right after applying the treatment but I'm telling you it looks straight cos I used a straightening iron. After three days I just rinsed it and used bottle 3, let it dry and that was the 'after' result (I didn't use iron here).

So, did you try using EPSA? What are your thoughts?

I didn't know I was this emotionally tired until tonight. It's that time of the year. It's only February 5th and a lot has already happened. February is the shortest month but I'm feeling like it's gonna be a whole freaking year. I don't dwell on things that will make me cry. I'm an overthinker, every little thing someone tell me - even if they don't matter - stays on my mind for a good half of the day. But believe me when I say I don't dwell on my personal matters. And by personal matters I mean my hardships and struggles. Again, please believe me, I love to rant but to dwell on things that will make me more stressed than I already am is not my thing. But lying here and listening to sad, sad music makes me reflect on what happened for the past years. Damn, it's a struggle and I feel like the whole world is against me. I've struggled to provide comfort for my family and God knows how much I wanted - I desired - for them to be happy but hardships keep on getting in the way. I've surrendered in working abroad so I've tried so hard, for so many times, to put up a business that will support my family because I don't wanna work anymore, but that's how many times I've failed. It's getting into me. I've been investing more than I'm earning and I'm slowly losing hope. I didn't ask for this. I don't want this. I'm surrendering it all to Jesus. I'm tired. I'll pray over it then cry over it and get it over with. Easier said than done but the plans of the Lord will prevail; not your plans, not mine, but His. So I'll stop crying and continue fighting. 

My 10-year Evolution

My selfies through the years...

2010

2011

2012

2013

2014

2015

2016

2017

2018

2019

His Faithfulness

Ecclesiastes 3:11 (ESV ver.) He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.

For the past years I thought that the Lord have forgotten about me. Years passed by that I thought I was not loved and that this fight is meant for me to face alone... I was wrong. The past years have been tough for me and my ungrateful self kept asking the Lord - countless times - why me? Why am I suffering things that I think I don't deserve? I don't excel at work and no one appreciates the effort I'm putting in everything. I've been good, I know I've been good and I know it should not come from me but my ungrateful self just can't fathom why me? I remember, two years ago I have nothing left with me but I still go to work and continue my day like I'm not suffering and I don't know if it's because I'm numb with the pain or I just don't wanna dwell. I felt like God is not working things for me and again, I was wrong.

Every time I wake up I can't help but think that my life is just a cycle of eat, work, sleep and repeat. But now, looking back, lots of things have changed for the past three years. I just realized now that I am not the same person from three years ago. The pain I felt before was long gone and I'm actually thankful for it because the maturity and lessons I've learned from what happened to me is staggering.

Again, I thought I was not appreciated. I thought God is not working behind my back. And just when I thought I wanted to give up, He gave me the things I'm asking for. It is amazing. The Lord is amazing. Sometimes I'm crying thinking that I won't ever do good in anything. It frustrates me to think that all my friends are everywhere and I'm still here but then it occurs to me that maybe this is where the Lord wants me to be and I'm running away from the Lord. I've done everything to get to where I wanna go and maybe it's time for me to let go and let God. I realized this isn't just about me and whatever planning and effort I do if it's not the Lord's will then it's not. The Lord's plans will prevail. You see, I thought I've figured out what will happen to me next year, like me resigning and applying to a bigger company and going to Indochina for a vacation but the Lord gave me the news yesterday that I'm eligible to undergo an Officership training so I will have to drop all of that and grab this. This is bigger than that. Imagine, I thought I was not appreciated and yesterday the Lord gave me this. Wow. I know many things will still happen in the future and it's not final but I'm claiming it because I know the Lord will bless me with it. No, the Lord didn't forget me, He just have something bigger and better for me. How could I ever forget that the Lord will never let me down. He never fails to surprise me. I remember what my Pastor told me after I delivered my tearful testimonial in my first ever youth camp, "It's okay. God works for the good of those of love Him." And it's true.

Turning Point

Last night was fun.

I didn't know I was this fine til last night. I should've faced my fears a long time ago so I don't have to hide and dodge a lot of places and a lot of people.

Well, in my defense, seeing his Facebook profile and his display picture (even if it's just a very small thumbnail) makes me still anxious so I thought seeing him in person is worse. But it's not and I proved it all last night.

Hearing his voice after almost three years felt familiar. Him sitting so casually across from me felt normal. Just familiar and normal. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I don't know if it's because of my little tolerance to beer that made me feel okay to share a table with him but now that I'm sober, I know I will still say yes so I would know the answers to my prayers.

It's been my prayer right after 'the incident' to forgive him and to move on. I've been praying about it and been crying over it every time I realize I'm still not ready to face him or to forget what happened. But after last night I know it's not just because the beer kicked in that I'm okay. It's because I am okay. I know people would say that if I don't care about him anymore or if I have no feelings left, I would not have time to think over it and run away from that situation, because what's the point of all those things after all the pain he caused me, right? But hey, this isn't about me having feelings for him or anything. It's about me finally being able to forgive and move on. I know that chapter in my life is done but this time I can safely say that I am ready to continue living without bearing any pain inside me. I can finally say I'm free.

I made a wrong move. Very wrong. But hey, come on, it made me happy. I don't think I've been this happy for the past few months (and, well, I don't know how many times I've said it for the last one year and a half). Hahahahaha. I can't say though that this time it's different. I liked him since college and I've proven time and time again that he's a nice person (although we don't have much interaction aside from a colleague introducing him, side glances on hallways and me casually liking his Facebook posts - yes, posts). I just know what he felt because I've been in that situation before and venting out to different people helped me to ease the pain - a bit. I know his friends probably are too tired hearing his emotional breakdowns - because mine did - and so, I offered him a virtual friend whom he can talk to everytime. Without judgements. And he responded. Oh boy he responded. But he didn't know that it was me and probably he never will unless he sees this post. I will probably be hyped and all for the next two weeks with hearts popping out of my eyes. Only sharing this to help my future self recall the great day that is today. Ciao!

Pain is Beautiful

"Nobody looks good in their darkest hours. But it's those hours that make us what we are."  - K.M.M.

The past two years has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I was at my lowest, lowest of lows I would say... bottom of every bottom. People make mistakes and it's up to that person if he/she will let that mistake define him/her or use that mistake as a stepping stone to become successful or use that mistake as an inspiration or wake up call not to look back on people, things or memories that are not worth their time and energy. So what's that one mistake that helped me grow? It's that I gave someone my all and when they left, they took - not a part of me - but all of me with them. I fell in love. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's never a mistake to love someone but my mistake is that I chose that one person over and over and over again even though he showed me a million reasons not to. It's already a mistake when you started putting someone else's life ahead of yours and think that counts as love (The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, S. Chbosky). But I'm still thankful with what happened - him leaving me; him choosing someone over me - because it helped me grow. Cliche, I know, but that's the truth. If we're still together up until now, I don't think I will ever be who I am today. I've moved on and a lot of wonderful things happened to me since then. I've met a lot of great people from the moment I was dusting myself off up to the point of gluing the last piece of my shattered confidence. I was having the time of my life now. Though I still have my moments, but it's not about it anymore and it's never about that same thing anymore. I got over it. And the most important thing I've learned during those times is when I met God. I know I'm not alone and God and my family and friends proved me that. They chose me even when I chose not to stand up for myself... with that I know that even if there's someone who treated me like a trash, there are still people (and there's still my God) who will always be with me in my darkest hours.

"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you." - Isaiah 43:2